I'm sitting at my computer and I just feel overwhelmed as tears beginning to form in my eyes. There are so many reasons that I hurt. I know everyone goes through alot in life but I've been through so much that sometimes the thought of it all consumes me. I often don't share any of this with anyone not even my friends knew or know. I am very private and it sometimes causes me to lose friends, I can be an introvert so people don't seem to understand me.
I can type as fast as my brain can allow these words to flow through my fingers. I thought me sharing these thoughts would help someone that feels alone; an overwhelming feeling I have been having alot of lately. Thinking about every thing and sometimes for me it's better to just shut down. I often revert to shutting down my Facebook phone, everything around me. I pray often enough that my prayers are now conversations with my father. Yes were connected like that!
"Life is what you make it", was the text I sent to my cousin. Whom I adore for so many reasons, she has had my back, my ride or die, my everything. If there is only one friend I have left in the world it would be her. I spent alot of time being unbelievably bitter for so many years. I had moments of ups and downs at every moment. I often found myself just isolated, tears falling because I was hurting. I want to say you aren't alone whether you have been neglected, cheated on, raped, lost a child, treat badly by family, bullied, teased, lost confidence, hurt by the love of your life, lost friends who probably weren't friends, lost good friends, feel like your losing your mind, grew up poor, no food-hunger for days, depress, going through illness, left an unhealthy, the list can goes on and on and on but your not alone.
I have experience so much of this and so much more. It feels like it just keeps happening but I just keep going. I know I can make it and I know you can too. Strength comes from being knock down and getting right back up over and over again. I think these people are the most beautiful because they have experience hunger beyond the food satisfaction. Alot of times it takes very little to satisfied the hungry because you see without food your stomach begins to shrink the body eats away at itself, picture this as the heart.
The heart is so fragile it can stay in the state of hurt for such a long time, it is hard to mend a broken heart. I think broken bones are easier to mend. The heart becomes scared, bitter, fearful, non-trusting and completely close like a brick wall or cold as an ice box to anything or anybody.
I know anybody reading this is wondering what I am really saying but you get the idea. Writing is so therapeutic to me. I have been writing since I was 11 years old. It help get me through so much, thoughts that consumed me and it always seem to calm me down. I wrote anything from poems to letters, to journals. I hope you can find a way to clear your mind and heart for those of you in such distress.
Living life to the fullest is a must for me, lately I have feeling like I haven't been doing what I originally set out to do. I have lost alot of friends, I wont say a negative thing but I keep saying God knows best. I think about how many came to see me after my accident, how many cared enough through my mom's illness, how many only called when it was convenient. It makes sense why it all fell into place now.
Don't get me wrong I haven't been the greatest friend to alot of these people either, I was a good friend sometimes and sometimes completely shut down to the friendship. However this all happened after college as I found myself always being a yes women, and being taken advantage of. Always sweet and nice to everyone, even to people that treated me poorly. I guess I got tired of it. Believe it or not I open the idea to anyone that felt like they needed to walk away from a friendship with me as long as they realize any relationship is as much as work as the next. It goes hand in hand to want a good friend is to be an good friend, Sometimes even giving more of yourself in that friendship.
So what is my plan to get out of this funk, renew my life: How should you deal?
The first thing I want to do is LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST, DO ALL THE THINGS I WANT TO DO, next I will make a vision board of where I see my life. I have a vision in my head but motivation is what I need. Next I need to forgive myself, I have done pretty good with this but I need to let it all go. I mean completely lift all the burdens off my shoulders. I am so consumed it is amazing I am still standing. The occassional let loose is a must, I do find myself laughing alot more but also crying alot more. I think that's okay too. I will never allow anyone to treat me poorly again, I set that rule up for myself years ago. Always remember you are beautiful regardless of what the world thinks of you. Dont let anybody take away your confidence! I realize I need good friends, really good people surrounding me that will bring out the best in me as well. I no longer accept friends into my life just because, I look at the bigger picture I only want friends who will inspire, and create good friendships with me. Lasting, trusting friendships. I continue to keep my family and fiance close treating them like Gold. God's greatest gift to me. The friends that are still here, I mean truly here I treat them as Gold as they have grown to do the same with me. I have come such a long way and once in a while I need to remind myself, pat myself on the back because I am doing okay. Everytime I accomplish a goal I will celebrate in whatever way pleases me.
Be a healthy version of myself: eat right, workout, get right. I will continue to create conversations with God because I know I need guidance. I have forgiven alot of people and I hope they have forgiven me too. Forgiving is for yourself too.
That's it I am sure I will update you guys with more but this is where my journey continues as it began a long time ago to a healthier mind, forgiving heart, my journey to becoming a humble, beautiful person. I having been working on myself for months now. It has thought me so much, made me much happier, made me cry, made me sad, but most of all brought me closer to myself and a relationship with God. I realize I spend so much time on my skin, hair, the outside beauty, the inside needed work too. My journey began about 2 years ago, I lost track and restarted again 8 months ago and it continues. I hope this helps anyone and I thank you all for reading. My last step is to LIVE MY LIFE LIKE I HAVE NEVER LIVED IT BEFORE.....LET'S GO!!!